Today I'm flooded with different emotions.
My senses are overloaded.
The heart in my chest aches.
I used to be able to express myself in verse, but I'm out of practice. I haven't found joy in much of anything artful these days. I've been praying for the Lord to reignite my passion for music, art and writing. A stirring has begun in the depths of my heart...but it feels superficial as I write these words. I guide my fingers carefully over the keys, pressing the [BACKSPACE] key more often than not.
So here is what I know to be true. Today, I am sad.
I'm sad because my older sister had surgery yesterday and by chance I found out about it.
I'm sad because my family doesn't want to know me or my small but growing family. They don't want to see what a beautiful daughter I have, who is growing up without her Grandpa giving her hugs and kisses. Not because he is gone from this world...just ours.
I'm sad because my sister has profusely refused to speak to me, or acknowledge my existence in quite some time. The sister I grew up with; the one I clung onto as girls, watching her every move and learning how to respond to life.
I'm sad because my (former) best girl friend doesn't feel comfortable talking to me because the rest of the 'clan' has banished me from their sight. So now I get to watch her family grow from afar...wishing my child could know her beautiful kiddos.
Most of all I'm sad because I know that although I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be right in all that has happened, I am convinced that this isn't the way to live a Godly life. Shutting people out and blocking them (literally) from every window of seeing into your life is not okay. That is not God's love or forgiveness. This isn't showing the world the Light. How will the world know we are children of God? By our LOVE for one another. Why is that so ignored? How can this be?
I'm not sure if this is bitterness, or just sadness. I feel sarcastic comments pinging off the backs of my eyes, willing themselves to my fingers to be typed. But I refuse to whine, or complain. Just express.
I have chosen to keep these things to myself for a long time. If I don't have the bravery to say it to their faces just yet...maybe at least I can get it out on pages.
